Wind & Sails

*Pull out soap box. (pause) Clear throat--aaaaaand*
Life has been very trying lately, but I haven't let it stress me out--in fact, I try to let it be what it is while finding something to divert my energy towards in a positive way. Very recently, I started writing again, like, really writing--in gluts. It's scary because I remember the sensation of being alive and connected when doing so...like I don't want to go back to sleep. Ideas are finding their way out of my mind and onto paper, or to the ears that need to hear them. I'm starting to let go...and I feel lighter, and better for doing so.

I'm saying all this because I was feeling extra good because I was supposed to spend time with a young lady I've really been feeling lately. She's younger than what I'm used to, by a lot--but I'm looking past that for now. In short, I did something that she didn't like...or feel. I get it, I just don't see it as a big deal. I respect that she didn't like it, and that she feels a way about it, and for that I apologized. But, I can't pretend to be anything other than I am. All this to say--I'm upset because I didn't get to see her tonight. And I'm realizing that I was looking forward to seeing her. So...I guess I like her, but for real for real, tho'.

This week has been really productive, and in the past, this would put a damper on my parade (I guess b/c it's more "fresh" than the rest of the stuff before it). But this is one thing versus many. Hell, we just had a disagreement without being disagreeable (I think). So, even in this, there is good. And that's where I am man...I'm really trying to put things in the proper light. Not sugar coat it, or make it super happy or super sad--but look at things for what they are.

Over the past five years, it has become extremely evident to me that life isn't about the series of ups and downs you encounter, but how you embrace them. A younger me found it extremely easy to be up beat and energetic when times were good, and the down seasons bled into my temperament the same way. At this stage of the game, I believe it's just as important to enumerate your blessings during times of hardship, as it is when times are good. When times are hard--is when you get a chance to break through and see how much you've really learned. It's an opportunity to grow. The other part of it is, you can't allow yourself to forget the lessons once the pendulum swings the other way. If you do, you'll probably find yourself right back where you were. The circumstances ma be different, but in essence, it's the same.

So--I'm getting a little bit of me back. I'm telling a girl I like, "My bad/I respect your position, but here's how I see it/but let's keep perspective"...which isn't always done in the new stages of getting to know some one. I'm writing poetry, songs, and TV episodes (more on this later). I'm finding balance through perspective.
*climb off soap box*

Reconstructing Lee

Yeah, I'm still here. I guess by the lack of entries, it may lead the select few who still check in on my journal to wonder, though. All in all, I'm putting myself back together, and in the process, starting to question how people fit in my life, or if they fit in my life--and to be fair, vice versa.

The last 5 years of life has forced me to grow and look at myself from different perspectives. As someone who prided himself on being very introspective, that wasn't quite enough. See, I had to really step outside of myself and see how my actions were causing certain reactions, often in cycles. I'm a really good guy, but I have to admit that I can be on some asshole shit from time to time. Being honest and up-front doesn't give me the free license to be harsh, especially to those who love you most. So, I've been working on my self-control as far as how I speak and react to certain situations. The hard part now is looking at ground zero and figuring out what can or should be saved.

I know I've done some wrong, often with good intentions, but I'm not the only one. Really beginning to reassess the whole friendship thing again, which is scary, because I don't believe that one can have but so many friends. The rest tend to be cool social acquaintances at best. So, the lesson is and has been, your best strengths can also be your greatest weaknesses, especially if you realize they're your best strengths. So, being honest can be great, but not everybody appreciates it; in fact, most don't unless it's flattering to their ego/id. Being loyal, and loving easily is great, but not everybody deserves it and you can only split your energies but so many ways.

So, as the clock winds down on year 32, I'm thinking that although I may love/care about a lot of folks--even pray for 'em on a nightly basis despite the fact I know that 90% of 'em don't do the same for me, I need to learn how to let them go. If they say what's up, cool, and if they want to kick it at a time that's conducive, cool. Otherwise, I can't keep holding reserve spots for people. Besides, one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that I worry far too much about the welfare of other folks, which is why I'm still where I am, instead of where I want to be. So, if I seem out of touch, I don't love you any less, I'm just loving me more.