Nothing is (n)ever good enough.

Man, I know, it's been a while. To be honest, I've wanted to write something in here, but truth be told, I have had to sort through some things. It's easy to make hard decisions when life isn't bearing down on you--when you're in a comfortable place. Far different endeavor when you are backed into a proverbial corner. Shit, when you're in that corner, life will tell you nothing you do is ever good enough. Stay in that corner long enough, and you'll begin to believe it. You'll begin to modify your behavior to mitigate future risk. Talk yourself out of future gains because the outlook is not predictable enough. You--will become your biggest hater.

In short, I have had to relearn that it's hard to stand up to those you love, even harder to stand up to yourself. After all, we are often our biggest detractors. We're often first to tell ourselves we can't do something, or that it isn't logical, or responsible, or it's too much of a risk.

I wasn't always this way. I used to be a reckless dreamer. Somewhere along the line I started buying into what other folks were saying I should do with my life. I had been backed in the corner too many times for too long. I refused to admit to myself for all of my adult life that I was indeed an artist--doing this or that thing to pacify myself (books or CDs), not knowing that's what I was doing. I never romanticized being an artist, or a starving one for that matter. I never thought it'd be cool to warm my hands over a dumpster fire because I just got kicked out on the street because I didn't have enough money to scrape together to pay the rent. That wasn't me. That wasn't my idea of fun (or art).

Although, that wasn't my idea of what an artist is or should be--it's other people's idea. People who love me, but believe most artists struggle and never make it. Maybe they're right. But I'm not most artists. Sure, there are folks who can draw better than me, paint prettier pictures, write more moving poetry...but you'd be hard-pressed to find someone that can do all three that is as driven and hard-working.

I come from a family of scrappers. I mean, my folks on both sides got their degrees, and in many cases...advanced degrees--and they came up. Did well for themselves and their children. The education system worked for them--their plan for upward mobility worked for them. But they can't have plans for my upward mobility...see, that's my job. And I admit, I adopted those plans. I started taking on responsibilities and making safe bets--which I don't regret...but I do regret the playing it safe. Abandoning all I ever had when I was young that kept me happy--my dreams. I am not me if I don't have those dreams, if I don't follow them and attempt to make them happen.

It has been hard for me to find clarity as of late because I haven't been thinking like me. I've been thinking like someone who has something to lose. Yeah, I have a mortgage, and a car note, and all of that--but that ain't the dream...just a part of it. Besides, in the dream, the house is much sicker. All this to say, I'm getting back on track. Yeah I got business to handle and bills to pay--but I gotta do me. And I'm good with not playing it safe in that regard. 'Cause as far as I'm concerned, I'm holding onto a bunch of nothing, and nothing--is never good enough.