Storm Soon Come

I am glad I have the people I have in my life. I am extremely blessed that I have a circle that tells me what I need to hear as opposed to what I'd like to hear. There are times that I may want to wash my hands of something, all because it doesn't play out the way I feel it should. But, that doesn't mean that things did not go as they needed to. This weekend was a good example. I had a distinct chain of events in my mind of how a particular situation should go, and it went quite contradictory to said plan.

Had it gone the way I wanted, I could supposedly have a better understanding of whether or not I'm wasting my time getting to know some one, or whether I should go hard with it. But, this wasn't something for me to control. I think this was a situation that said it will happen if/when it is right--and I can't rush the outcome. If I want to do it, then I'm going to have to wait and see.

Right now, I choose to keep my cards on the table, because I feel that's where my cards need to be. This is not an easy decision to make, because I feel as though I have no control, and I don't know how it it'll play out. However, these are often the decisions that have the most pay off, and define us the most. Consequently, these are also the decisions I have said I need to make more of, mainly because I need to do so--because it matters.

On another note, I'm trying to take some time and knock out some of the smaller things that have mounted up so I can get some things off of my to-do list. Of that list, I'm proud to say that I finally published my 4th book of poetry entitled "The Terminal", which is my first book in over 7 years. This is huge to me. I have been draggin' my feet with a lot of my personal projects, this being one of them. This book was pretty much done back in January of 2008. Prior to that, I waited almost 3 years to push my solo rhyme CD project, "Panorama", which I finished in February of 2007, but didn't let people know about until late 2009. This is very different from how I tend to work, but I think I have been going through a slow and painful process of denial/self delusion.

That process was designed to hide one thing: I am an artist. Sounds stupid to say, but there is a serious amount of truth to this. See, I come forom a family where education really means something. Like, it's the holy grail on both sides. My grand mother has a doctorate--as does my mother, and her older sister. My mother's baby sister has 4master's degrees, pops has three...I could go on. Suffice it to say, that acquisition of degrees and successful jobs means something. I saw the hard work of two parents who really did the damn thing. That work ethic has been instilled in me, and told me from the time I was young that I'd go to college and get a job--the good part was implied. So I never thought about not going to college, which I'm thankful for--even when I was a less than stellar student. Yeah, even when I got piss poor grades my freshman year, first semester.

I think that a lot of what I did was designed to pacify my artistic sensibilities...to quell the passion I had for creating. And to be honest, I am some what bourgeoisie. I like to have nice shit, you know, like big screen TV's and X Box 360's...cause I'm a guy and shit like that makes my inner nerd randy. And I know damn well I can't do what I want by being a poet. That, and I don't ever want to have to live off of something I love that wholly...that purely. Poetry ain't for whoring as far as I'm concerned, not saying that's what other folks are doing, but I'm not not saying it either. It's on a case by case basis as I see it.

Anyway, the other piece of the puzzle was that I wasn't sure how I wanted to jump out there. Like, I want to do the voice over work for animated features and what not, and the graphic novels, and the music, and the galleries, and so on...but because I feel I was blessed to do any of these things, and I'm passionate about all of it...and I vacillate from day to day, I didn't know where to start. So--I recently accepted that 1) I am an artist, and 2) I figured out I want to put it down with my song writing. So, there you have it. That's what I want to do, and I have a small window to really start putting things together--which is what I'm doing. Right now, writing material and preparing to copyright, along with the last few years of poetry (I used to do it every year or so, but I have had some creative lapses).

I'm really at a point where I need to make a change with how I've been doing things, because I keep winding back in the same spot after I make a few steps forward. This tells me that I need to lead off differently. So, that's what I want to do. Yeah. I knew this year would be crazy...who's down to ride with me through the storm--because he other side is gonna be so beautiful.