Reconstructing Lee

Yeah, I'm still here. I guess by the lack of entries, it may lead the select few who still check in on my journal to wonder, though. All in all, I'm putting myself back together, and in the process, starting to question how people fit in my life, or if they fit in my life--and to be fair, vice versa.

The last 5 years of life has forced me to grow and look at myself from different perspectives. As someone who prided himself on being very introspective, that wasn't quite enough. See, I had to really step outside of myself and see how my actions were causing certain reactions, often in cycles. I'm a really good guy, but I have to admit that I can be on some asshole shit from time to time. Being honest and up-front doesn't give me the free license to be harsh, especially to those who love you most. So, I've been working on my self-control as far as how I speak and react to certain situations. The hard part now is looking at ground zero and figuring out what can or should be saved.

I know I've done some wrong, often with good intentions, but I'm not the only one. Really beginning to reassess the whole friendship thing again, which is scary, because I don't believe that one can have but so many friends. The rest tend to be cool social acquaintances at best. So, the lesson is and has been, your best strengths can also be your greatest weaknesses, especially if you realize they're your best strengths. So, being honest can be great, but not everybody appreciates it; in fact, most don't unless it's flattering to their ego/id. Being loyal, and loving easily is great, but not everybody deserves it and you can only split your energies but so many ways.

So, as the clock winds down on year 32, I'm thinking that although I may love/care about a lot of folks--even pray for 'em on a nightly basis despite the fact I know that 90% of 'em don't do the same for me, I need to learn how to let them go. If they say what's up, cool, and if they want to kick it at a time that's conducive, cool. Otherwise, I can't keep holding reserve spots for people. Besides, one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that I worry far too much about the welfare of other folks, which is why I'm still where I am, instead of where I want to be. So, if I seem out of touch, I don't love you any less, I'm just loving me more.