Where Are We Going--ReallY?!?!?!

So uh, I'm in flux right now. Starting some new challenges, trying to stay focused on existing goals while adopting new ones. Back to early morning rising. It's a transition, ya'll. Blessed to be in this position though. The writing, overall, has been doing well. But, I haven't been writing that much since I got back from New Orleans, which I absolutely frickin' loved! My boy just got married, and some friends were nice enough to spot me on airfare so I could attend. It was like medicine for my soul; I laughed so muh over that weekend. Good times.
SO, on to the point of this journal entry: I was talking with Papa Step yesterday (my stepfather), and he was remarking on the attitude and presentation of the young men and women who attend the college where my mother works. "...and he's standing there with his pants hanging under his but--under his butt so the whole world can see his nasty draws, and he's holding up his pants with one hand. Well shoot--we have belts for that!"And as he made his comment, I remembered certain familiar barbs when he referred to my generation, when I was in high school and college. Only this time, I agreed with him. See, my generation did the pants sagging thing, but not to the level they do it now. I kinda did the sagging thing, too, to be honest and fair. But I was more so a wear the pants low on the waste. I never liked the way most pants fit, and that's because, let's be frank, they're not designed with my body type/preference in mind. Might sound silly, but I know a lot of brothers--and especially sisters who would contend that a lot of the jeans, in particular, do not fit them properly. The cut is different through this hips, waste, and butt area--but I digress.
These kids are on a college campus, and they don't buy books for class. They try to BS their way through--which I KNOW my mother ain't going for. They try to justify their poor articulation and mastery of English by stating it's a southern thing. Well, my mother and all of her siblings grew up in the south--further south than ya'll, and guess what? Heck, all of my grand parents hail from the south--but they all know how to articulate. I'm just saying. The real question is, what is that WE--are doing? Seriously? We are so in love with everybody but ourselves that we play to the lowest common denominator. Why is that. Why are these kids wearing skinny jeans with their pants hanging beneath their butts, yet still have belts on? WHy do they think this looks good? Answer, because they saw somebody on TV do it. There was a time that what we saw on TV was trumped by what we saw at home. A time when my stepfather told me that if I ever wore my pants hanging off my butt, he wouldn't take me outside the house.
I'm all for self expression, but is it really self expression if everybody else is doing it? Do you young folks, do you. Not what you see on MTV, not what everybody in school are doing. Do you. Stop being a sheep and start being a shepherd to your own dreams. The world has enough of them, we'll only ever have one you if you choose to take up that burden.

Notes from Nawlins

(A—Z)

Arby’s & Asparagus
Beneits and Bacardi is(n’t) a rare breed of bat.
Café Du Monde
Debaucheristic (Maxim #1)
El Salvadorian strippers
French Quarter
Genelle: “It hit me when I was brushing my teeth this morning…”
Harrah’s Casino
Iclue (Idea = Clue= Maxim #2) & “In My Mouth” is a bad hymnal selection for grown men with a childish sense of humor
Johnny Walker Black? That’ll be $11.
Katrina tour @ 12am (not a good look)
LSU loses
Michael Jai White (see ‘Y’)
No pun intended
Owen: “You may have a runaway bride here Julian. What was the name of that actress who played in that movie?”
Po Boy’s
Quit talking (as Max snaps (his fingers, mind you) at Jewels in IHOP).
Raincoats
Storyville (“Yes you are.”) , Satchels & Blazers, & “Squeeze it!”
Trolly
Uneven pavement in the French Quarter makes you feel drunk, even when sober
Vodka and Cranberry back-to-back-to-back on an empty stomach is not a wise career move
Wonderful Wedding
Xistentialism and Muslim Nuns.
You were wrong Sha, I was right. Proof has already been submitted. But I’ll still do your FB page.
Zzzz. Answer: Something Lee didn’t get a lot of.

What Lee Wants in a Woman (2.0)

So,
I have been in thought for a while now (like 5 years) about my choices about women, and choice of women. In other words, the choices I make and what type of women I prefer. There was a time when you'd ask me what I want, and one of the first things I'd say, if not the first thing, was a phat ass and blah blah blah. With all due respect, as shallow as that sounds, typically I think of the physical first, because that's what we see first. If you were to ask me now, a phat ass wouldn't be so high up on the list--hell, not having a phatty isn't even a deal breaker anymore (she needs to have something though. Phlatties leave me uninspired.). What can I say, I've grown up seeing women in and around my family with ass...so that's what I'm accustomed to. It makes me think of home (ha).

But I digress...the real matter at point is that I've learned more of what I don't want over the past five years as I've worked on being more open. I'm not the most emotionally expressive person, but I'm hella supportive. Got a play that you're in? I'll make it a point to be there on opening night front and center, applaud the loudest at curtain call, and provide theatrical notes afterwords. That's me. I'm the quality time guy. The "guy you don't have to question because he's going to be there because that's what he said he was going to do"--guy. The "speak his mind and shame the devil guy--even if you get pissed at me guy because he wants to be able to be genuine with his lady" guy.

So, after having a couple of relationships here and there, I've learned some things.
1. I've learned that I need a woman with character, integrity and values. I need to be able to take her at her word. If I can't trust her, our relationship will fall apart quicker than a Ralph Nader presidential candidacy bid.
2. She needs to believe in God. She doesn't have to have a Christian background, which I know my mother would want--but she needs to believe in God. When hardships come, God has been my one saving grace, and I need to know she won't abandon hope when circumstances are uncertain, unsure or bleak.
3. She needs to be intelligent and able to hold a conversation/ have her own opinion. I don't need anybody regurgitating the rhetoric they heard on the evening news ad nauseum. I need to be able to respect her intelligence, and I need to be able to have a meaningful conversation with her. If I can't respect her smarts, it'll be hard for me to respect her, and for me to not be subjective with her body as a result.
4. Humor. I'm silly. If you can't take a break from being serious, you can't make it with me. I can be serious when I have to be, but I like to make those I love and care for laugh. Aside from that, my humor doesn't have just one side--I can be self deprecating, sarcastic, politically correct, politically incorrect, down and dirty, subversive, tongue-in-cheek, subtle, not-so-subtle, whatever.
5. She needs to be openhearted and charitable in spirit, yet discerning.

After we deal with these must-haves, then we can get to artistic inclination which is damn near a necessity, and being outgoing. I'm a home body, so I need someone that is comfortable chilling at home, but get me out of the house every now and then. So, social graces and the ability to articulate are highly important as well. Conversate is not a word, and if you say this even in gest, you are pushing it. From there, good looks and a phatty are still high on the list. Say what you want, but I wanna be able to look at you in any setting and break you down. I saw this young lady going into church about 4 weeks ago--and I was like, "Dear Lord, give me strength as I walk through these doors." Shorty was right. That's what I want. Need? Not so much.

All this to say, I've grown up, and refined mmy list to include what's really important. I still want nice skin, a phat ass (yes, Lord, hallelujah), a pretty smile, natural hair, a toned body, etc. But these are wants. If I can't get what I need, then were only working on one side of the house, and we can only really get down in one way outside of just being cool, y'dig? I'm realizing wha works for me.

Girly-girls are cute often, but eventually tend to annoy me. You can be a lady, dress nicely, and d all the lady-like upkeep you want--but sweat is good...just as long as it fits the situation. If we're running, sweat is an expected byproduct of said activity. Me having to teach you the basics of football is not really a good look, but if you genuinely want to know, then cool. You gotta be able to hang with the fellas in the rare occasions that I do...and understand, when I joke with the fellas, it' going to be different. Sensitivity is fine, I'm not insensitive. But I'm going to be the best me I know how to be.

If you start tripping over how I do something instead of what I do, then it's going to be a problem. If I rub your stink ass feet, don't get mad because I did it different than what you would have expected. That I did it at all should suffice. Just saying. And with that, I will once again hop off of my soap box. Ya'll stay blessed now, y'hear?

Wind & Sails

*Pull out soap box. (pause) Clear throat--aaaaaand*
Life has been very trying lately, but I haven't let it stress me out--in fact, I try to let it be what it is while finding something to divert my energy towards in a positive way. Very recently, I started writing again, like, really writing--in gluts. It's scary because I remember the sensation of being alive and connected when doing so...like I don't want to go back to sleep. Ideas are finding their way out of my mind and onto paper, or to the ears that need to hear them. I'm starting to let go...and I feel lighter, and better for doing so.

I'm saying all this because I was feeling extra good because I was supposed to spend time with a young lady I've really been feeling lately. She's younger than what I'm used to, by a lot--but I'm looking past that for now. In short, I did something that she didn't like...or feel. I get it, I just don't see it as a big deal. I respect that she didn't like it, and that she feels a way about it, and for that I apologized. But, I can't pretend to be anything other than I am. All this to say--I'm upset because I didn't get to see her tonight. And I'm realizing that I was looking forward to seeing her. So...I guess I like her, but for real for real, tho'.

This week has been really productive, and in the past, this would put a damper on my parade (I guess b/c it's more "fresh" than the rest of the stuff before it). But this is one thing versus many. Hell, we just had a disagreement without being disagreeable (I think). So, even in this, there is good. And that's where I am man...I'm really trying to put things in the proper light. Not sugar coat it, or make it super happy or super sad--but look at things for what they are.

Over the past five years, it has become extremely evident to me that life isn't about the series of ups and downs you encounter, but how you embrace them. A younger me found it extremely easy to be up beat and energetic when times were good, and the down seasons bled into my temperament the same way. At this stage of the game, I believe it's just as important to enumerate your blessings during times of hardship, as it is when times are good. When times are hard--is when you get a chance to break through and see how much you've really learned. It's an opportunity to grow. The other part of it is, you can't allow yourself to forget the lessons once the pendulum swings the other way. If you do, you'll probably find yourself right back where you were. The circumstances ma be different, but in essence, it's the same.

So--I'm getting a little bit of me back. I'm telling a girl I like, "My bad/I respect your position, but here's how I see it/but let's keep perspective"...which isn't always done in the new stages of getting to know some one. I'm writing poetry, songs, and TV episodes (more on this later). I'm finding balance through perspective.
*climb off soap box*

Reconstructing Lee

Yeah, I'm still here. I guess by the lack of entries, it may lead the select few who still check in on my journal to wonder, though. All in all, I'm putting myself back together, and in the process, starting to question how people fit in my life, or if they fit in my life--and to be fair, vice versa.

The last 5 years of life has forced me to grow and look at myself from different perspectives. As someone who prided himself on being very introspective, that wasn't quite enough. See, I had to really step outside of myself and see how my actions were causing certain reactions, often in cycles. I'm a really good guy, but I have to admit that I can be on some asshole shit from time to time. Being honest and up-front doesn't give me the free license to be harsh, especially to those who love you most. So, I've been working on my self-control as far as how I speak and react to certain situations. The hard part now is looking at ground zero and figuring out what can or should be saved.

I know I've done some wrong, often with good intentions, but I'm not the only one. Really beginning to reassess the whole friendship thing again, which is scary, because I don't believe that one can have but so many friends. The rest tend to be cool social acquaintances at best. So, the lesson is and has been, your best strengths can also be your greatest weaknesses, especially if you realize they're your best strengths. So, being honest can be great, but not everybody appreciates it; in fact, most don't unless it's flattering to their ego/id. Being loyal, and loving easily is great, but not everybody deserves it and you can only split your energies but so many ways.

So, as the clock winds down on year 32, I'm thinking that although I may love/care about a lot of folks--even pray for 'em on a nightly basis despite the fact I know that 90% of 'em don't do the same for me, I need to learn how to let them go. If they say what's up, cool, and if they want to kick it at a time that's conducive, cool. Otherwise, I can't keep holding reserve spots for people. Besides, one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that I worry far too much about the welfare of other folks, which is why I'm still where I am, instead of where I want to be. So, if I seem out of touch, I don't love you any less, I'm just loving me more.

I am trying to let go.
Some days are better than others.
But I know this is what I need to do.

Yeah--don't know what you call that, but whatever. What's good world--or me, seeing as though this actually is my journal, not just some shot @ attention. Forgive me journal, for it has been weeks since my last entry...heh.

OK, so, I don't know what I need to say in this one. I'm basically trying to wait on God. Which is weird to think, weirder to say. Because, one would think, that God waits on us--to come around, to get a clue, to humble ourselves, etc. So, what I mean is...I know I haven't been on the right path so to speak--and I'm waiting on guidance as to what path I need to be on.

I'm pretty damn convinced that I don't need to be on the traditional 9--5 path, as it doesn't agree with me. I mean, I have no problem working, and I like to do "real" work, you know, stuff that's redeemable in nature. But, I'm over the concept of waiting for folks to pay me to make them look good. I mean, I will play the game as long as I need to, but I need to be my own man.

Life has been testing a brother as of late, but I can at least say that I've been doing a pretty fine job of not kirking out too much over things--especially things beyond my control. All in all, I'm waiting for things to normalize a bit so I can go on the offensive.

As a mental note of things on my to-do list:
I need to go ahead and finish the redux of the Babylon Songs cover so I can go ahead and put that back out there, I have some content I want to start hashing out for this romantic comedy I have stalled out on (I wrote a time line in table format that really helped...but I need to do more, and I need to organize it), and I have a couple of shirt ideas I wanna get crackin' on. Oh, the next book will prove interesting-- It will be a hybrid of poetry and prose. I have plenty of prose to fill out the concept, but not a lot of poetry. Maybe I'll add some songs to the mix, who knows.

Don't forget to hit up the leethepoet.com sore for product folks--some of it might even be discounted or free if you catch it at the right time ;).

Momma, I Want to Sing...Write Songs

There isn't much more that I can say, nor do
Apparently
this is what it's gon' be
And for once, I'm just going to let the process happen
as though I panned it
as if I understand it
For once able to recognize that God had his hands on the situation
and I simply needed to let go of my notions of control
what I got
was a calming of the soul
and answers to questions long ago asked i had passed off as not meant to know
this exercise wasn't easy
but it wasn't difficult either

So, yet another entry. Nothing I really feel like speaking on in particular. Life is OK, right now. I guess I should be stressed now, but I'm on auto-pilot--somebody else is flying right now, and I'm just trying to enjoy the flight. I don't know if I have revealed one of my many epiphanies, but a big one is that I want to professionally write songs. It's been a weird circle, too. I think I wrote my first love song before I ever drew my first comic. Which is weird, because I always remember art being my first (artistic) passion. But no--I didn't get into drawing comics until like the 4th grade. Clearly wrote a love song when I was 8 or 9.

For years, I'd get song ideas, and not write them down because I didn't sing--which is a story in itself. I could hold a note...wasn't great as a kid, but I wasn't bad. I probably would be decent if I stuck with it. Everything changed when I sung Earth Angel to my girlfriend Chi Chi (yeah, that was her name) in the 4th grade in the back of the school bus. Her response: You sound good, but you sound like a girl. Crushed. I spent years after that trying to sing in baritone. *sigh*

So, I skipped many a songwriting opportunity because I didn't sing, so why write down a song. Besides, I had poetry, and I kinda rhymed for kicks, so...yeah. Anyway, after I hit a major drought with my poetry, I had to find a way to express myself, and I couldn't force my poetry (I almost never like the end result). I didn't realize that I started writing songs almost instinctively to fill the void. The process was very similar to writing poetry, so it felt natural. So one day I look up, and realize that my non-songwriting @$$ has about 70+ songs in the can--a good amount of them finished. Some, some were really good. And it hit me--this could be my way to get free. My way to enable myself to do all of the things I wanna do. Yeah, I'll write songs.

So, that's where I am right now. I still have a long road, and I am just getting started...but that's the first place I need to visit. From there, scripts and graphic novels should be logistically and financially easier to tackle. On top of all that, it'll give me the unique opportunity to work with other talented individuals. So yeah, that's what's on the agenda--finally, some much needed direction. Oh yeah, The Terminal is on sale now, that's my 4th book. Hit up the store @ leethepoet.com for more info. It's a good read, real talk.