600

So, this marks the 600th entry in this here journal, and I have to say, I’m a bit impressed. I started this thing as something to do, not knowing what or how much I’d put into this thing. Sure, I’ve definitely had lulls in this puppy, missed entire months here and there. But, by and large, I have been pretty good with writing things that are important and/or substantial to me at the time I wrote it. I didn’t just write fluff just to keep the journal going. No, I wrote when I was moved to, and more importantly, I kept it honest. This journal captures the good and the bad, plus all of the stuff in between, giving you and me a clear idea of who I was at the time the entry was recorded. Ironically, the putting my business on blast has been the only way I’ve been able to maintain a journal. There may come a time when a journal isn’t needed, but until then…

So yeah, number 600 about to be logged into the annals, and I’m kind of at a loss. I’m very into my thoughts these days, and all of my teams are in the toilet. The latter part doesn’t sound to major in the grand scheme of my life, but, to be honest, on the days I’d like to be able to escape for a bit, it’d be nice if I didn’t escape to a place where my teams all suck. What’s worse, the teams are dumb talented, it’s just hat they just don’t play with any fire in their bellies. That’s worse than sucking, because it’s kinda like choosing to suck, and that’s not what they’re paid for, or what they should be striving for.

So, anyway—the in my thoughts part…yeah. I’m at a point where I think I’m awake. Aware of all the self delusion that I’ve tricked myself with for so long, and I’m kind of pissed with myself. First of all, I’m blessed, and I KNOW this. I’m also thankful for each of my blessings, as I know I could definitely be worse off, and to be frank, I ain’t doing that badly to begin with. That being said, I am tired of scraping, man. The economy has been wearing on me since 2006, and I’ve been slowly bleeding so to speak since January of 2006 when everything changed again, for like the fourth or fifth time.

I can say that the set backs have shown me how to move forward in ways that many just don’t know. On top of all that, when the money comes in…and it will, I’m going to be silly with it. No, not in the black dude buying everything material way, but in that I gotta invest and diversify my shit type of way. Yeah, I got some ideas for real. Little goal I’m setting now, before it’s all said and done—ya boy wants to own an island. Ha! No, but for real though, I’m serious about that.

I’m also done with the notion of being single quite frankly, BUT, I am still unwilling to settle. So, this means I am in a bit of a quandary, because I can’t just meet Mrs. Right out of nowhere. Apparently, I’d been fooling myself with the whole friends with benefits notion. For years, I could do that w/ absolutely no feelings spilling over, and still can if it’s already been done. I don’t think I’m quite capable of doing so with anyone new…at least not for the moment. I tried it not too long ago (TMI maybe, but damn it—this is my journal!), and my head (the big(ger) one) kept getting into the way. Shorty was cool, we had known each other for a good while, but there wasn’t a deeper connection until after the fact when we actually had a real conversation. I’ll probably regret posting this, but hey, I did it responsibly with a consenting adult, so yeah. Thing is though, I don’t think I can focus on the right one if I’m distracted by friends with benefits. Sure it’s nice, but when it’s easily accessible, it becomes akin to a drug.

Lastly, although I’ve been stagnant for a good part of the last 4 or so years, I feel I could have been doing more to chip away at larger projects that have been on my plate forever. To that, I can at least say I am beginning to move along. I’ve been writing a bit on this script of mine, getting the dialogue down as it comes to me, and I’m writing a song here, a short little one-to-two line poem there. All this to say, as I push for things and start trying to network, I can at least have something tangible to show when the time presents itself. The future is now as far as I’m concerned. I am officially switching back to get-it-in mode.

Question of the moment: Is my life a revolving door as it pertains to relationships with women. Feels like women just come and go. When one fades out of view, another one fades back in. When one woman abruptly leaves, another one pops up like they’ve never been gone. All of them I’ve loved in some way, which makes it hard for me to be hard-hearted about letting them back in. I think at some point though, a line has to be drawn. Every time we do this dance, it makes me more wary of that person and their intentions. Ironically, I used to have commitment and trust issues. Now the trust issues have simply doubled as the commitment issues are pretty minimal at this point.

Oh, on a completely different note, I did finish reading Anne Rice’s Queen of the Damned at long last a few weeks back. It was a good read, although there was a lot of build up for a very quick struggle if you ask me. Good read, I just wanted to not read it because I’m working on my own vampire story—although the two couldn’t be much further from each other conceptually. So now, because I’m silly, now I’m reading Homer’s The Odyssey, which I was supposed to have read in college during my summer session when I took humanities. But, if you think, with my short attention span that I was going to read The Odyssey, Beloved, Things Fall Apart, Narrative of the Life of Fredrick Douglass, Sundiatta and one other book which I can’t remember off-hand in a six week period, you are batty—but not in the West Indian sense of the word, more so in the 50’s loony kind of way. Anyway, more later!