Quicksand

Right now, I am trying to sort through it all. Not like “it all” is some obscene amount to sort through, but it’s enough. I’ve been in a malaise as of late. One so—absolute, that it has been affecting every aspect of my life. I’m in spiritual/mental quicksand right now, and I’m trying to be calm and still amidst these swirling thoughts.

Am I happy with where my life is RIGHT NOW—no. Well, what can I do to get where I feel I need to be? What about relationships, are there some that are weighing you down, and some that you need to take extra steps to improve? Yes. Well, what do I need to do with each of these situations? What can I do a regular basis to better ensure I’m doing something tangibly creative? Well, I have at least one answer for that particular question. I have been writing at least one quick thought or anecdote each day for the past week and a half, maybe two weeks. The thought is that I have to push myself to be creative even when I don’t quite feel like it. So far, I’ve been sticking to it, and have written roughly 35 entries.

Also, on another note, I spoke to Lynn, who provided me with a great perspective on my creative lapse. In a nutshell, she has theorized that I have been cut off from a well of creativity by becoming disconnected with others who are in the habit of being creative. To that I say: good point. The reason I became disconnected, although valid, has created a side effect, much like the new drugs the FDA keeps dropping very other day. I was trying to avoid the drama of new beefs between once mutual friends, ego tripping, attention mongering, etc. But, I also lost a viable connection to what makes me who I am as a creator. Being around other creative people, independent of how I may feel about who they are as people, inspires me to create more. So now the question to that becomes: How do I get back around that element without compromising my peace of mind and avoid being fake (which I just don’t do…cordial and respectful, yes—fake, hell no)?

The other interesting thing about me is that the things I used to be able to do, I can still do, but not fully. For example, connecting with a woman with no prior or real intamcy, is a chore. I’m in my head, and not in the moment. I guess because at some point, whether I was in love or not, I learned how to do so with somebody I at least loved—so now not having that doesn’t feel the same. It has exposed an ugly truth which I never saw because I didn’t care to. I hate being single. I mean I abhor it. I’ll do it because I don’t want to be with just anybody, and I don’t feel I need to settle, but damn!, being single is some lonely shit to endure. Yeah, I can call some one up, I’m sure, but—at this point, who’s to say that won’t exacerbate the situation—that feeling:?

Lastly, I’ve noticed that I’m apparently more giving than even I have given myself credit for. I mean, folks apparently feel it’s cool to siphon off of me, be it perspective/advice, temporary company, whatever. I guess, that’s in my nature, and for me to correct. I can’t really fault people for taking if I’m giving—but the level of reciprocity is so skewed it becomes draining, taxing even. So, I’m halfway between dropping off of the grid totally, and forcing myself out there. I’m just not sure which is best, or if either is a healthy option. So, I’m trying to stand still amidst all of these swirling thoughs, and not drown in all of this quicksand.