Choices: Pt. 1

Remebmer When: Video games didn't have difficulty levels, you could either beat the game or you couldn't?

Kinda like life, huh?

Okay, earlier, I mentioned I have committment issues. That may have been a bit misleading. I don't have committment issues per se, moreso, issues with emotional displays and the such. Committment is in there, but not as heavy as the qoute unqoute, "average guy". It dawned on me yesterday how uncomfortable it is for me to express love towards another guy. Not in that way...pervs...I mean like family. Saying I love you without being silly, a for real for real hug...it makes me uneasy. I saw my grandfather yesterday, my mother's father, and it's always good to see him. Now my grandfather, has always been strong, at age 75 he could probably still ding the shit out of some of these young cats out here...Anyway, granndad is always cool...true southern gent, always calm, even when he's upset. Yesterday he did something I never recalled him do...he held my hand. Now I know, this is my granddad, and it's purely a show of affection, but I still felt awkward doing that. I don't know why...just did.
So I don't think it's just with women I have an issue, maybe it's in general when it comes to love. Oh it's easy to tell my mother I love her, she undoubtedly and unconditionally loves me back, but, outside of she and my father's mother (my other grandmother passed in 1995)...it's somewhat of a chore. And there it is, so clear. The little boy who loved so easily never went anywhere. Still there...afraid to give love for fear it won't be returned. Loving that which seemed unattainable, therefore there was no actual risk in loving. It was easy to love that one girl from afar, but the one who really liked me, perhaps I didn't want to see her. She was real.
To hear my father say he loves me means so much to me now, but wouldv'e meant the world to me when I was younger. I knew deep down he did, but didn't know why he could hardly say it. Like it hurt to say it. I know now. Not in the same manner, but I understand. It is all clear. Why I love to be with different women...not like I'm a gigalo...far from Nick Cannon, but it's easier. As with any human being, I love sex. However, in the past it seemed easier to commit said acts with little to no emotional attachment. Sure, I knew most of them pretty well, but, to care for them in a way that one cares for the person s/he lays with just wasn't there for the most part. I was a scientist doing observations. Making assessments. Adjusting the science of pressure, pacing, and probing.
Truly, no three words have more weight in this world than "I love you", and all that entails. For my father and myself, it's an admission of vulnerability, an open confession that I feel warmly towards someone.
Such admissions are few and far between...and for me to say such things are not only gauged, but weighed heavily before said. For the Virgo that feeels and hears and picks up on the most insignificant details, I can't just love everybody. But see, I do, or did rather, and that came with a price. It's in the wiring. I think as I got older and understood more about how the people I loved dearly could hurt each other, other people I loved, I grew bitter towards the notion of love. I see my little nephew is so much like I was. Likes every damn body he sees, no judgement in his eyes, finding the specks of good that exist in nearly all of us...praying he doesn't grow into the cynic I can sometimes be. Opting not to say I love you at the end of the conversation because probabilites suggest the sentiment won't be returned. It is all so clear. what a wonderful juxtaposition of contrasting existences I have become. The super logical being that still clings to the impossible ideals. That love is forever like in the fairytales...that shit never falls apart. Afraid to give up his heart, thinking if it's ever broken, it'll never be fixed again. Scared of love and all it impies. Having given my heart to women who didn't ask for it, didn't know what to do with it...didn't want it. I keep it for myself now. Taking what I want in the physical, never giving anybody a peek beyond the surface.
I read their eyes and become what they want. I magnify the aspect of me they perceive. They see an asshole, I become that asshole...I do it out of love. Everybody needs somebody to fuckin' moan about these days, right? You need me to be the asshole, shit, I can do that. I'm a wonderful impressionist. You need a laugh, I'm youer personal windup doll with no pull string. Maybe that started to where thin on me, maybe that's also why I keep to myself more. Tired of having to be everybodies perception...blowing up the smaller facets of self...for love. Is that what I was doing? In a small way, I think so. So few people, even fewer women, have left me to be me in their presence. No pretenses, just letting me be me.
Ever just want to hit reset? Dissatisfied with the last six months of your life? To hell with saving your progress, just start the whole damn level over? Maybe that's another reason I started the whole celibacy thing. Just was tired of being the scientist... You know I got a booty call from this chick after two years of not hearing anything from her. This was a couple years ago, at the beginning of the celibay reign, but still...two years?! Does wonders for the ego, but damn...two years. I don't know where you've been in two years, or who you've been with. And after two years you just want to come to my crib to kick it? In situations like that, it could go either way. Ego could step in, in which case she would've had that ass worn out...c'mon, I does my thing...she called back after two years ya'll. But, I followed my heart and not my dick, and I don't regret it. In all fairness, she was definately a fun ride, but I just didn't feel like it. And of course, whenever you decide against something, you're constantly tested. Don't quit smokin weed, cause that's when everybody wants to call you up and smoke you out for free. Don't decide to make so an so your girl, cause that's when all the exes call up...you know, the one's that would put it on yo' ass at the drop of a hat.
I think my challenge for the next couple of months is to tell folks I love them...No jokes, straight face and all. Just tell them, "I love you". And accept they may not say "I love you" back.