Holding on & Letting Go

OK, so I have been in a haze as of late. Different types of things have been transpiring as of late which has been the impetus for me deciding to really reevaluate what’s important in my lifer. Relationships have been paramount in these considerations: the relationships that have falling into disrepair (for lack of better terminology), and the ones that seemed to magically dissipate with no forewarning whatsoever--the relationships that are strongly predicated upon physical attraction, versus ones that could grow into more--the relationships that have been on the come back from a fall out. So, here’s my admission(s) for whatever they’re worth.

There are a couple of young ladies that I’m—“attracted” to (wink, wink), and one of which I think may like me more than just physical means. All this to say, that I’m really trying to not be a slut, but I really wanna get at them both, and I believe I can (one may not be feeling this if she ever read this—but, I plan on speaking on this with her anyway). The truth of the matter is, either I’m maturing or getting lazy, but I don’t feel like being bothered with the BS of it all. Not saying I have to put in a bunch of work (not bragging—the situations have been lingering, so opportunity has been there, whether I acted on it or not), but I don’t want that to be all there is.

I mean, the more I devote energy to that, the more I have to risk missing out on that special someone. It sounds corny as shit; but I hate being single. Getting to know new people is always a crap shoot, and I hate wondering about ulterior motives, true intent, is the person being honest, and how much of me is going to be appreciated. Granted, that will have to happen with said “special someone’, but if I’m worrying about low hanging fruit all the time, I may forget to reach for what really matters.

I’m happy as hell that I have gotten back to good terms with an old friend of mine, who frankly, since we fell out, it’s felt my life has been in disarray. She was the one somebody that could check me, even if my mother couldn’t, and it was no different for her when it came to me. I knew she had my best interests at heart, and that made me comfortable enough to let her truly get to know me. I just hadn’t matured enough to realize all that meant, and my responsibility to honor that type of friendship. Both of us are way past finger pointing, but, it just feels like home as of late when we talk—and I missed that (whether I knew it or not, or was man enough hto admit it if I did).

I miss my home girl T. It was messed up how we fell out, but I like to think that we were better friends than that. I’m willing to put aside principle whenever she’s willing to set aside pride.

Also, I’m dealing with the odd prospect of feeling old feelings of like for someone I hadn’t really thought of like that since, damn—1995 or so. Always been attracted to her, but I have what may be referred to as approach anxiety, and I never kicked it to her back in the day. So, it’s always been a flirt type of thing whenever we see each other.

Then, there’s this young lady I see every blue moon walking to/from the metro station. Thick lil’ mama, who I just enjoy watching her walk, as that’s the only way I can definitively tell it’s her (my eyesight isn’t the greatest, but she has a very distinctive walk which I can recognize from behind). Because I don’t often know it’s her until she walks by, I haven’t quite had the opportunity to step to her that I’d like. But, I’ma get at her when I see her with enough notice.

Ironically, the young lady who I was digging something serious about a month or so ago, emailed me an article about approach anxiety—after I saw ol’ girl on the subway…at least I think it was her…

On other notes, I finished the Hobbit between subway rides, and am now reading Fortunate Son by Walter Mosley (author of Devil in A Blue Dress). Waiting for my words to come to me, but I don’t think they’re that far from me now. I think I need to get some of these other things off of my chest, kind of clear out the bottlenecking of thoughts that’s going on right now.

Lastly, I want to have a better relationship with my sister. I love her to death man. I think she has the capacity to be one of the sweetest people in the world when she is so moved. But, she can also be hard to deal with. Now, to be fair, she’s my older sister, so I’ve known her my entire life. There are simply times when we’re not going to agree or be on the same page. However, this doesn’t negate that I want the best for her and that I love her dearly. It’s just that I recognize that she is stubborn in the way that Taurus signs are stubborn (pride), and I’m stubborn like Virgo’s are (principle). [This is not the same person (T) that I mentioned earlier—the principle and pride thing is merely coincidence].

I simply see certain patterns that I think she needs to let go of, but, being as though we both have parents (who are OCD), it’s easy to understand why we both sometimes hold on to shit we shouldn’t. To be OCD is to have issues with control. And sometimes the best medicine is to simply admit you either don’t have control, never did, or that you simply need to let go. Sometimes things work out much better if you lovingly steer as opposed to trying to control. Perhaps when I’m confident she’d be willing to really listen to her baby brother, we can discuss.

All in all, things are obviously gaining perspective, and I’m just letting things move as they may. Sometimes, when you really want something to happen, it’s better to let go and let God.