Roadside Flares

Something is blocking my creativity. I readily acknowledge that part of the problem is indeed me, but I’m only part of the equation. Maybe part of it’s the job, and the fact that things have been so intense as of late that I don’t want to do anything when I get home, hell, over the weekend. It’s a very slow drain to commit to something that I’m not passionate about; minor, but a drain nonetheless.

Maybe part of it is that I don’t have a creative fixation to drive me, a muse if you will. In college, I had three muses, one minor and two major. As I transitioned from the quasi-adult status college life into the real world, I had my best friend who at some point became a greater interest for me. So, since about 28 years old or so, I haven’t been as creative as I am accustomed to being. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done things, from writing to recording, but not on the scale or with the consistency of years prior. Much of my creativity is rooted in my passion and pursuit of the opposite sex, and I haven’t really had a good muse in a while.

Maybe part of the problem is my relationship with God, although, truthfully, I feel is pretty sound right now. I am not really a church-going dude, but I do get up on a whim and go from time to time. I’m more of a “personal time” kinda guy when it comes to my relationship with God. Turn off the radio while driving, talk to God/introspect while walking or showering; that sort of thing. Thing is though, I often feel the closest to God when I’m using the creative gifts He gave me. Because I don’t do so with any semblance of normalcy as of late, I in turn feel somewhat disconnected. I can’t force myself to create, because I’m often dissatisfied with the end result. Instead, I’m used to a constant flux of creative energy; the vibe that I could write or draw something profound at any given moment. This keeps me in a constant state of readiness.

I lost a lot of this vibe when I started doing mortgages, and then insurance. So little of the right brain is used to do mortgages and insurance, it’s like my creative energy short circuited almost. Now, it’s like trying to get an engine to turn over after it hasn’t been used in a while. Not like I can run out and just get a new engine, so I’m kind of waiting on a divine AAA to give me a jump. Once I get it running, the battery will charge itself back up…it’s just keeping her running that’s the issue. This journal in fact is a great example: When I was really feeling that vibe, I had multiple entries in any given month—even a day sometimes. When I am feeling disconnected, I may have one or two entries in a month, maybe two months. Right now, I’m kind of in between. But feeling like I’m in a position where I could lose ground is actually worse than being at zero, because I almost don’t notice on a conscious level that I’m creatively brain dead.

Right now it’s a highway at sunset, and I’m on the shoulder looking to flag someone down. No cars on the horizon just yet, but I’m optimistic.